On love

It’s getting awfully cold.  It’s a wet cold, bringing with it rain and mist, and a chill that seeps into your bones.  Layering up is the only way to escape it, and that goes for underneath the covers too when all you want is a comfortable night’s sleep to revive after an exhausting day.  As someone who is most comfortable sleeping in my birthday suit, I can tell you that I’m not a fan of layering up in bed.  Do you remember that post a while back, the one about April Fool’s Day?  How I posted a bed warmer wanted sign for Mike?  Well, I’m seriously considering putting up one for myself. 

Why you ask, when I seem to have so many guys around?  Well, despite the fact that I go on at least one date with a different guy every week (no, I’m not a slut, just friendly and I think the guys here find my non-sluttiness refreshing.  I learned the other day that Kiwi girls have more partners on average in their lifetime than any other female nation in the world!  This is also the most dating I’ve done in all my other years combined, so I don’t know what’s up, but), I can’t seem to find one that I like enough to even get to the kissing stage.  In an environment where everyone seems to be kissing (and whatnot) everyone else, my predicament is quite self-inflicted.  I know that.

If I’ve learned anything in New Zealand it’s that dating just isn’t for me.  I like to be friends first.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am flattered when strangers/acquaintances ask me out and I think it takes a lot of courage to do that- trust me, I’ve done it- but there’s too much pressure involved in dating-first, friends-second.  With dating you’re not only worrying about getting to know someone but you’re under sexual pressures as well.  Those pressures just don’t make for easy-going one-on-one time.  When you’re friends first, you have shared ground, a comfort level established, maybe some chemistry and probably already figured out if dating the other person is worth your time.

Now, I am no expert in the ways of love.  I wouldn’t even say I’m all that experienced.  I had a 3½-year high school sweetheart, a four-month comfort thing (because all of my friends didn’t have enough time for me due to all the time they spent with their significant others), and a two week wakeup call right before I left for Africa.  That’s it in the last six years.  And that’s okay.  It was a good six years.  I got to know myself, how I operate in certain situations, what I’m willing to put up with, what I’m not, what I want, and what I don’t want in a partner.  After my high school sweet heart I thought I’d never feel that way about someone again, but now I know I can.  In fact, I want to. And I think I’m ready.  But I have all this love to give and no one to give it to.

The problem is that I’m too damned picky and I’m scared.  I sabotage every possibility at a decent guy that comes along unless there’s no chance I’ll get hurt.  For example, I went for a guy I wouldn’t otherwise go for two weeks before I left for a year subconsciously thinking it wasn’t enough time to get attached.  Boy was I wrong.  He ended up being an amazing young man and I felt things that I thought died years ago.  Then, here in New Zealand, Stina and I spent several nights during Easter holiday with three European boys that eventually made their way to Dunedin to see us again for just a couple of nights before they ended their trip. 

While they were here it felt as if I was in a relationship, doing cute things that make single people want to puke, cuddling, pillow talk, horrible sappy romantic comedy nonsense that no one ever subscribes to unless they actually are in a relationship.  It was awesomely weird, seeing as though Emiele and I hadn’t known each other for very long, but if you consider the amount of hours we spent together before anything happened, the face time if you will, it makes sense.  Okay, I’ll lay it out for you.  Say on average a date lasts two hours, we spent three days together, which is 72 hours.  Subtract 8hrs/day of sleep (24 hours) and you’re left with 48 hours. Divide that by 2 and you have 24 dates!  That’s a lot!  And no, I’m not crazy, I’m just doing some simple math here.  We did the friends-first, dating-second.  Perfect.

But anyways, what it comes down to is having that connection with someone again was very nice and I was shocked when days, weeks, and even months later I would randomly be hit with the feeling of missing them.  I wouldn’t have let either of those two young men into my bubble had there been any possibility that they would be long term but their effect still lingers.  What is the matter with me?  I’m at a place in my life where I am ready for a relationship, I want a relationship, but I keep getting in my own way.  Why can’t I just let myself be vulnerable?  Because it’s scary!  And I guess it will be right when it’s right, but for now I need to stop looking in a way I know doesn’t work for me.  No more dates.  No more strangers/acquaintances.  I guess no bed warmer wanted signs either. They say love happens when you least expect it, and though I may not be looking exactly for love, I am looking for something.  So I need to stop looking.  I need to focus on loving my friends and my family, my studies, my future, each and every day, and doing things I love to do.  I whole-heartedly believe that if you just do what you love to do, someone who shares those passions will find you.  God seems to have a strange sense of humor though- I bet you I’ll find someone two weeks before I leave for home.  At least I’ll have a bed warmer for the coldest weeks of my stay.  ;) 

This is one of the reasons for me to focus on loving my friends- they're amazing.  After a downer day and having had an intense conversation with Pilvi, this little guy showed up in my mailbox wrapped up with some candy.  The letter he held for me read:

Hi Jenny!

I heard that you have extra love to give but haven't found a special person to give it to.  I am old and dirty and no one loves me.  I don't know why!  I used to have an owner but they gave me away.  I am cold and lonely and forgot my name!  Would you love me?  You can wash me if you want and I brought some backup for a very bad day- Whittakers (chocolate)!  I'll be the happiest bear in the world if you decide to be mine! :D  -bear

It's people like Pilvi that make this world worth while.