The Change

There’s always been a moment for me when I’m sitting with a younger sibling and all of a sudden I’m hit by this thought:  “Holy shit, you’re a real person now.”  Of course, they’ve always been a person, in existence, taking up space, but there’s a time when they become a highly functioning thinker, problem solver, critique of the world around them, an actively beneficial member of society.  They’ve taken responsibility for themselves, if you will.  I have five younger siblings.  I’ve experienced this moment three times. 

The most recent was with my youngest biological brother.  He sat behind the wheel of my car hours after dinner.  I interrupted our conversations with brief reminders to turn the brights on or off as lone pairs of headlights came and went past us on their journey home.  He’s not had the easiest childhood; being the youngest of three, enduring his older siblings’ abuse, experiencing the full effects of divorce, remarriage, and being integrated into a new family and the home the other step-siblings had occupied for years has taken its toll.  My other brother and I were gone by then and he was left to fend for himself.  He talks little, laughs at my self-deprecating humor constantly, and even in his driver permit-bearing years, still indulges my desire to curl him up into a ball, canoodle him in my lap and pet his head while cooing.  He’s as big as I am, bless his heart. 

And similar to my other brother and myself, the relationship models Garrett has had has carved out vast ruts in his heart.  Rarely do I get him to talk about it, but I felt this night was special- it was the first time he’d ever driven with me while not sitting in my lap, he had asked if he could come along, and it just felt right.  I started asking him questions.  I’ve found that the best way to get any individual to think the way you want them to without telling them so is to ask leading questions.  So that is just what I did.  I asked him first about relationships in general:  “Do you believe in marriage? Well then, if half of marriages don’t work out, half of them do.  What do you think the half that does stay together do to make it in the long run?  Do you think you could put the hard work and commitment in that it takes?  Would you want to?”  Then I asked him about girls and get the answers I expected.  I asked him why they are so immature and what he wished was different about them.  What characteristics would his perfect girl have?  What characteristics would their relationship be like?  What kind of boyfriend would he want to be?  “What do you mean you don’t know?  Well, if she were talking to her friends about you, what are the three qualities you’d hope she would say she likes best about you?”  These are the types of questions that get him thinking about the things worth thinking about rather than just focusing on the negative.   And then he said: “You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?  What are you looking for so I know how I can be better?”

There it was.

“Holy shit, you’re a real person now.”

There’s a moment when a person no longer is trying to meet all of their own basic needs, but is thinking outside of the box.  They are trying to better themselves for the people around them, and/or simply trying to better the world around them.  They’ve taken responsibility.

The first time this happened with my brother just under me, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The second time, with my step-brother, it was less of a shock but still unexpected.  This time, I had felt it coming.  Like fall turns to winter and winter to spring, I could feel Garrett warming to his new role in life, a role that is going to be as beautiful as that long-awaited warmth of summer.